Figquimlik is a god.

He takes the form of a slim, smart salamander.

Figquimlik created Europe nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Figquimlik, he will not care.

If you do not believe in Figquimlik, he will destroy your home solar system.

Figquimlik's most sacred site is Corsock in Scotland.

Figquimlik's Holy Commandments

1. Always face the north before speaking sacred words.

2. Remain bowed during prayer.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Always remove boots before entering holy places.

5. Always pray immersed in water.