Quatjopkam is a god.

It takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, fussy crocodile.

Quatjopkam created humankind nine million years ago.

If you believe in Quatjopkam, it will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Quatjopkam, it will destroy your favourite dwarf planet.

Quatjopkam's most sacred site is Quellendorf in Germany.

Quatjopkam's Holy Commandments

1. Never speak the names of comets aloud.

2. Never allow snails to witness sacred rites.

3. Never wear corsets.

4. Always help turtles.

5. Do not jump in public.