Bapquartqueeg is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, loving capybara.

Bapquartqueeg created snails three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bapquartqueeg, he will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Bapquartqueeg, he will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Bapquartqueeg's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Bapquartqueeg's Holy Commandments

1. Never allow swans to sleep beneath your roof.

2. Never write about comets.

3. Always store turnips above ground.

4. Always cleanse your hands after touching titanium.

5. Never talk about planets.