Arfcapham Yartontarp is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, generous swallow.

Arfcapham Yartontarp created Mount Everest three million years ago.

If you believe in Arfcapham Yartontarp, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Arfcapham Yartontarp, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Arfcapham Yartontarp's most sacred site is Hetta in Finland.

Arfcapham Yartontarp's Holy Commandments

1. Always face the north before speaking sacred words.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate tapirs.

3. Do not fashion tools from aluminium.

4. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

5. Never go into purple rooms.