Tarpfidmat is a god.

It takes the form of a very heavy, prudent hippopotamus.

Tarpfidmat created an electron two billion years ago.

If you believe in Tarpfidmat, it will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Tarpfidmat, it will torture you forever.

Tarpfidmat's most sacred site is Utti in Finland.

Tarpfidmat's Holy Commandments

1. Run away from black porpoises, for they are unholy.

2. Always cleanse your hands after touching carbon.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

4. Always look after injured whales.

5. Never remain standing at midday.