Sigzogdim is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, happy crab.

Sigzogdim created viruses nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Sigzogdim, he will not care.

If you do not believe in Sigzogdim, he will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Sigzogdim's most sacred site is Monong in Botswana.

Sigzogdim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not hurt pigs.

2. Never allow bats to witness sacred rites.

3. Do not resist fate.

4. Never think about quantum mechanics near tapirs while wearing green corsets and balancing three platinum spheres on your face.

5. Never pour water over plants.