Kimmanpom is a god.

It takes the form of a gargantuan, resourceful pig.

Kimmanpom created a down quark six million years ago.

If you believe in Kimmanpom, it will be happy.

If you do not believe in Kimmanpom, it will turn you into a goat.

Kimmanpom's most sacred site is Mmankgodi in Botswana.

Kimmanpom's Holy Commandments

1. Always help whales.

2. Learn six new languages a year.

3. Never mark doors with white.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Kimmanpom.

5. Heed all visions.