Tonpaswan is a god.

She takes the form of a four hundred metre long, cheerful goat.

Tonpaswan created tapeworms three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tonpaswan, she will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Tonpaswan, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Tonpaswan's most sacred site is Randers in Denmark.

Tonpaswan's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a giant turquoise sculpture of Tonpaswan in the centre of the settlement.

2. Do not place nuts upon stone.

3. Do not make images of living things.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Never talk about optics near swans while wearing cyan rings and balancing six zinc spheres on your neck.