Jopsabgarzag is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, stupid tapir.

Jopsabgarzag created light six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jopsabgarzag, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Jopsabgarzag, she will turn you into a puffin.

Jopsabgarzag's most sacred site is Ans in Denmark.

Jopsabgarzag's Holy Commandments

1. Never speak of balance in the presence of strangers.

2. Erect a giant iron sculpture of Jopsabgarzag in the centre of the settlement.

3. Never laugh in holy places.

4. Run away from magenta frogs, for they are unholy.

5. Always face the west before speaking sacred words.