Tifcempontof is a god.

It takes the form of a slim, ruthless hydra.

Tifcempontof created gold three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tifcempontof, it will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Tifcempontof, it will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Tifcempontof's most sacred site is Ifaty in Madagascar.

Tifcempontof's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

3. Do not eat lentils.

4. Never think about quantum mechanics near horses while wearing turquoise corsets and balancing five aluminium spheres on your legs.

5. Tifcempontof loves manatees, so they must be honoured.