Yarlpogveg is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, generous manatee.

Yarlpogveg created the planet Saturn five million years ago.

If you believe in Yarlpogveg, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Yarlpogveg, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Yarlpogveg's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Yarlpogveg's Holy Commandments

1. Do not speak sacred words in spring.

2. Never write about enzymes.

3. You must love Yarlpogveg.

4. Never wear mauve boots.

5. Always help horses in need.