Quatpitfeb is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, unthinking squid.

Quatpitfeb created the Milkyway three million years ago.

If you believe in Quatpitfeb, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Quatpitfeb, he will turn you into a mole.

Quatpitfeb's most sacred site is Buskerud in Norway.

Quatpitfeb's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear mauve shirts on sacred days.

2. Never talk about ultrasonics near monkeys while wearing turquoise stockings.

3. Run away from green tapirs, for they are unholy.

4. Always obey Quatpitfeb's priests.

5. Never write about the strong nuclear force.