Yarptam is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, ruthless mink.

Yarptam created Europe five billion years ago.

If you believe in Yarptam, he will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Yarptam, he will turn you into a dog.

Yarptam's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Yarptam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Never speak at dawn.

4. Never point your neck toward the north during prayer.

5. Learn nine new languages a year.