Yartfumquam is a god.

She takes the form of a rotund, awe-inspiring fish.

Yartfumquam created a bottom quark nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Yartfumquam, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Yartfumquam, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Yartfumquam's most sacred site is Rutalahti in Finland.

Yartfumquam's Holy Commandments

1. Never gather seven otters near bridges.

2. Never eat green fruit.

3. Remain kneeling during prayer.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Yartfumquam.

5. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.