Ladmilbig Gebstikvonk is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly large, grumpy eagle.

Ladmilbig Gebstikvonk created matter four million years ago.

If you believe in Ladmilbig Gebstikvonk, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Ladmilbig Gebstikvonk, he will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Ladmilbig Gebstikvonk's most sacred site is Nanjie in China.

Ladmilbig Gebstikvonk's Holy Commandments

1. Do not prepare cherries while filled with joy.

2. Do not speak sacred words in winter.

3. Do not speak of quantum gravity near sacred fires.

4. Always store corn above ground.

5. Never eat oranges on days of mourning.