Yarpgemzim is a god.

She takes the form of a thin, dishonest turtle.

Yarpgemzim created a quark five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Yarpgemzim, she will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Yarpgemzim, she will turn you into a snail.

Yarpgemzim's most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Yarpgemzim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not utter prayers while touching platinum.

2. Erect nine zinc sculptures of Yarpgemzim on top of important buildings.

3. Draw representations of asteroids on the walls of your dwelling place.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Never approach mountains carrying bone.