Hapgupbonk is a god.

It takes the form of a heavy, ill-tempered guinea pig.

Hapgupbonk created Europe three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hapgupbonk, it will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Hapgupbonk, it will turn you into an amoeba.

Hapgupbonk's most sacred site is Leswalt in Scotland.

Hapgupbonk's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Respect your elders.

3. Shun those given to cruelty.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Hapgupbonk.

5. Walk at least three thousand metres per day.