Dogvandan is a god.

She takes the form of a galaxy-sized, selfish grasshopper.

Dogvandan created viruses four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Dogvandan, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Dogvandan, she will turn you into an amoeba.

Dogvandan's most sacred site is Omaweneno in Botswana.

Dogvandan's Holy Commandments

1. Always help pigs in need.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Do not trade with those who eat corn.