Flaptofjig is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly fat, merciless snail.

Flaptofjig created a charm quark eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Flaptofjig, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Flaptofjig, it will not care.

Flaptofjig's most sacred site is Úbeda in Spain.

Flaptofjig's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a giant turquoise sculpture of Flaptofjig in the centre of the settlement.

2. Always count to eight before sleeping.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Flaptofjig must be the most important thing in your life.