Ontcemcuss is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, uncaring tapir.

Ontcemcuss created energy five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ontcemcuss, he will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Ontcemcuss, he will turn you into a slug.

Ontcemcuss' most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Ontcemcuss' Holy Commandments

1. Do not chop down trees.

2. Learn five new languages a year.

3. Do not covet oxen.

4. Do not commit murder.

5. Do not prepare tomatoes while wearing ear rings.