Figtiflim is a god.

She takes the form of a six hundred metre long, unthoughtful cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Figtiflim created gold three billion years ago.

If you believe in Figtiflim, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Figtiflim, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Figtiflim's most sacred site is Gorbio in France.

Figtiflim's Holy Commandments

1. Never gather five ducks near bridges.

2. You must love Figtiflim.

3. Do not fashion sacred items from clay.

4. Feed all hungry snakes.

5. Always keep your back turned to the west at sunset.