Gubwotcuss Lagbinlak is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, selfish cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Gubwotcuss Lagbinlak created a quark eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Gubwotcuss Lagbinlak, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Gubwotcuss Lagbinlak, he will boil you in a big pot.

Gubwotcuss Lagbinlak's most sacred site is Pedraza in Spain.

Gubwotcuss Lagbinlak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not dye your hair purple.

2. Always treat doves with great respect.

3. Always face the east before speaking sacred words.

4. Always wash your chest before prayer.

5. Never speak aloud of names.