Carlakquim is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, almighty sheep.

Carlakquim created oxygen nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Carlakquim, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Carlakquim, he will turn you into a puffin.

Carlakquim's most sacred site is Hongcun in China.

Carlakquim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not study photosynthesis on holy days.

2. Always cleanse oil with water.

3. Never think about the weak nuclear force.

4. Run away from pink turtles, for they are unholy.

5. Do not hop in public.