Nartkem is a god.

It takes the form of a very long, egotistical weasel.

Nartkem created dark energy two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Nartkem, it will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Nartkem, it will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Nartkem's most sacred site is Bogogobo in Botswana.

Nartkem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not place tomatoes upon stone.

2. Do not utter prayers while touching titanium.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of platinum.

4. Draw representations of comets on the walls of your dwelling place.

5. Never talk about archaea.