Ortyimhas is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, weak human.

Ortyimhas created life six million years ago.

If you believe in Ortyimhas, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Ortyimhas, he will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Ortyimhas' most sacred site is Aguaruto in Mexico.

Ortyimhas' Holy Commandments

1. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Always share cucumbers with strangers, but never with ducks.

3. Never wear turquoise coats.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Remain bowed during prayer.