Quartzagjam is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, merciful deer.

Quartzagjam created the solar system five million years ago.

If you believe in Quartzagjam, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Quartzagjam, he will destroy your home planet.

Quartzagjam's most sacred site is Tatul in Bulgaria.

Quartzagjam's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about comets.

2. Do not prepare figs while wearing dresses.

3. Never think about optics near snakes while wearing white coats and balancing five copper spheres on your neck.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Quartzagjam must be the most important thing in your life.