Teenquamlab is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly large, irritating alligator.

Teenquamlab created a photon five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Teenquamlab, it will approve.

If you do not believe in Teenquamlab, it will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Teenquamlab's most sacred site is Metsimotlhabe in Botswana.

Teenquamlab's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a giant gold sculpture of Teenquamlab in the centre of the settlement.

2. Never speak of balance in the presence of children.

3. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

4. Do not speak about wheat.

5. Never mention manatees.