Tap Negponmit is a god.

He takes the form of a slender, idiotic tortoise.

Tap Negponmit created a Higgs boson seven million years ago.

If you believe in Tap Negponmit, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Tap Negponmit, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Tap Negponmit's most sacred site is Valdena in Italy.

Tap Negponmit's Holy Commandments

1. Never cross mountains at dusk.

2. Learn six new languages a year.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Tap Negponmit.

4. Do not shave your back.

5. Never run in winter.