Lapsawjam is a god.

He takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, competent chicken.

Lapsawjam created the Sun nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lapsawjam, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Lapsawjam, he will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Lapsawjam's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Lapsawjam's Holy Commandments

1. Look mercifully on unfortunate pigs.

2. Do not consume pineapples at dawn.

3. Learn seven new languages a year.

4. Always remove corsets before touching carbon.

5. Do not speak about aubergines.