Kimquamwan is a god.

He takes the form of a heavy, moody dove.

Kimquamwan created the planet Mars four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kimquamwan, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Kimquamwan, he will turn you into a dog.

Kimquamwan's most sacred site is Khwee in Botswana.

Kimquamwan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not chop down trees.

2. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

3. Always cleanse oil with water.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Never eat bark.