Cartipvan is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, confident duck.

Cartipvan created Africa five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Cartipvan, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Cartipvan, he will turn you into a snail.

Cartipvan's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Cartipvan's Holy Commandments

1. Never sing in summer.

2. Never approach crossroads carrying clay.

3. Do not study photosynthesis on holy days.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate great tits.