Tapbigarm is a god.

It takes the form of a gargantuan, blissful human.

Tapbigarm created an up quark eight million years ago.

If you believe in Tapbigarm, it will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Tapbigarm, it will attempt to scare you with floods.

Tapbigarm's most sacred site is Dzhanka in Bulgaria.

Tapbigarm's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about gravity near eagles while wearing gray shorts.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Tapbigarm.

3. Do not listen to music.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Run away from white snails, for they are unholy.