Ontmilnarlrenster is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, witty giraffe.

Ontmilnarlrenster created humanity five billion years ago.

If you believe in Ontmilnarlrenster, she will celebrate by creating some galaxies.

If you do not believe in Ontmilnarlrenster, she will jump up and down on your head.

Ontmilnarlrenster's most sacred site is Outchimedu in India.

Ontmilnarlrenster's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not make images of living things.

3. Put Ontmilnarlrenster first in all things.

4. Do not fashion sacred items from ash.

5. Never talk about dark matter near horses while wearing brown rings and balancing six nickel spheres on your back.