Batquimwat is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, benevolent tapir.

Batquimwat created parasitic wasps eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Batquimwat, she will not care.

If you do not believe in Batquimwat, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Batquimwat's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Batquimwat's Holy Commandments

1. Never gather eight gulls near walls.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate pigs.

3. Always act with purity when addressing strangers.

4. Do not cook food in pots.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.