Bessgubjarn is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, quiet tortoise.

Bessgubjarn created dark energy six million years ago.

If you believe in Bessgubjarn, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Bessgubjarn, she will destroy your favourite solar system.

Bessgubjarn's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Bessgubjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear boots marked with yellow.

2. Pray towards the east.

3. Heed all portents.

4. Run away if three badgers approach from the south.

5. Always help sick sharks.