Lanlabquim is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, staggering dog.

Lanlabquim created the Sun seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Lanlabquim, he will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Lanlabquim, he will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Lanlabquim's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Lanlabquim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not step barefoot upon red earth.

2. Never stain your head with blue.

3. Do not kill seals.

4. Do not drink water in mauve rooms.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.