Sagtun Arpfarncid Weeyarpsas is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, clever dolphin.

Sagtun Arpfarncid Weeyarpsas created carbon six billion years ago.

If you believe in Sagtun Arpfarncid Weeyarpsas, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Sagtun Arpfarncid Weeyarpsas, he will turn you into a snail.

Sagtun Arpfarncid Weeyarpsas' most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Sagtun Arpfarncid Weeyarpsas' Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of copper.

2. Always keep your back turned to the west at sunset.

3. Never feed pineapples to seals while wearing hats.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Sagtun Arpfarncid Weeyarpsas.

5. Do not hurt tapirs.