Queegrilcet is a god.

He takes the form of a small, generous lobster.

Queegrilcet created humankind three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Queegrilcet, he will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Queegrilcet, he will curse you and those you beget for all time.

Queegrilcet's most sacred site is Glastonbury Tor in England.

Queegrilcet's Holy Commandments

1. Never tolerate cries in holy places.

2. Always remove jumpers before entering holy places.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Never talk about gravity.

5. Do not trade with those who eat garlic.