Figstangubnell is a god.

He takes the form of a three hundred metre long, loving mongoose.

Figstangubnell created water seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Figstangubnell, he will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Figstangubnell, he will boil you in a big pot.

Figstangubnell's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Figstangubnell's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Heed all visions.

3. Always help porpoises.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Never stain your hands with green.