Jophonquartquaf Quatwikpib is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, humane rhinoceros.

Jophonquartquaf Quatwikpib created a bottom quark seven million years ago.

If you believe in Jophonquartquaf Quatwikpib, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Jophonquartquaf Quatwikpib, she will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Jophonquartquaf Quatwikpib's most sacred site is Vandet in Denmark.

Jophonquartquaf Quatwikpib's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

2. Do not wear magenta clothing.

3. Never paint your head violet.

4. Always act with patience when addressing children.

5. Do not speak about parsnips.