Vilbamcatkad is a god.

She takes the form of a slender, selfish monkey.

Vilbamcatkad created a down quark eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Vilbamcatkad, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Vilbamcatkad, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Vilbamcatkad's most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Vilbamcatkad's Holy Commandments

1. Do not name children after voles.

2. Never hop in the presence of porpoises.

3. Always cleanse your hands after touching titanium.

4. Always look after injured mice.

5. Walk at least six thousand metres per day.