Hamfebpog is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, pitiless dolphin.

Hamfebpog created a charm quark seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hamfebpog, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Hamfebpog, she will boil you in a big pot.

Hamfebpog's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Hamfebpog's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not listen to music.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Never eat green fruit.

5. Never talk about quantum mechanics near otters while wearing cyan stockings and balancing nine tin spheres on your chest.