Bagmetlarp Quatnigpark is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly large, uncaring slug.

Bagmetlarp Quatnigpark created everything that exists seven million years ago.

If you believe in Bagmetlarp Quatnigpark, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Bagmetlarp Quatnigpark, it will jump up and down on your head.

Bagmetlarp Quatnigpark's most sacred site is Phepheng in Botswana.

Bagmetlarp Quatnigpark's Holy Commandments

1. Never speak of balance in the presence of strangers.

2. Never go into pink rooms.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Never cross forests at midday.