Gontarpjen is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, passionate bird.

Gontarpjen created everything that exists two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Gontarpjen, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Gontarpjen, he will turn you into a blue tit.

Gontarpjen's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Gontarpjen's Holy Commandments

1. Never mark doors with green.

2. Never write about fluid mechanics.

3. Never mix wheat with oil.

4. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

5. Do not travel during spring.