Nurtquammon is a god.

It takes the form of a gargantuan, capable human.

Nurtquammon created a top quark eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Nurtquammon, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Nurtquammon, it will turn you into a puffin.

Nurtquammon's most sacred site is Avebury Stone Circle in England.

Nurtquammon's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Nurtquammon.

3. Do not listen to music.

4. Never stain your arms with turquoise.

5. Never fashion tools from bone.