Onttonkbag is a god.

He takes the form of a very small, resourceful lobster.

Onttonkbag created a photon three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Onttonkbag, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Onttonkbag, he will turn you into a tree.

Onttonkbag's most sacred site is Troms in Norway.

Onttonkbag's Holy Commandments

1. Do not contemplate the strong nuclear force during the night.

2. Always face the north before speaking sacred words.

3. Respect your elders.

4. Do not cook food in pots.

5. Do not count beyond eight during ceremonies.