Fetbetjarn is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, weak bear.

Fetbetjarn created an electron nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Fetbetjarn, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Fetbetjarn, he will turn you into a duck.

Fetbetjarn's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Fetbetjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Do not eat cherries.

2. Do not wear magenta clothing.

3. Never talk about asteroids.

4. Do not fashion sacred items from ash.

5. Never talk about fire.