Ponvonkcan is a god.

He takes the form of a very heavy, awesome shark.

Ponvonkcan created the planet Earth three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ponvonkcan, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Ponvonkcan, he will destroy your favourite planet.

Ponvonkcan's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Ponvonkcan's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about dark energy near bats while wearing violet boots and balancing eight gold spheres on your arms.

2. Never think about planets.

3. Never mention swans.

4. Never jump in the presence of cats.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of titanium.