Ruttstaf is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, resourceful porpoise.

Ruttstaf created the planet Earth three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ruttstaf, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Ruttstaf, she will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Ruttstaf's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Ruttstaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never handle platinum while unclean.

2. Do not dye your hair black.

3. Always count to four before sleeping.

4. Do not speak about parsnips.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.