Tettiwotbem is a god.

He takes the form of a four hundred metre long, annoying squid.

Tettiwotbem created life twelve years ago.

If you believe in Tettiwotbem, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Tettiwotbem, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Tettiwotbem's most sacred site is Nanjie in China.

Tettiwotbem's Holy Commandments

1. Pray only in firelight.

2. Do not wear boots marked with black.

3. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

4. Do not drink water in green rooms.

5. Never write about stars.